Dharma 25

Dance with the World

This is the third edition of my effort to refine a personal dharma. The first essay was in July 2023, after several months spent trying to find clues in our ancient texts. I introduced this annual essay as a draft of my code of conduct, “the precepts that have become part of my life, by osmosis, observation, or self-observation.”

Much of it will be familiar to you if you followed my Substack at this time last year, or the year before, but …

Being kind.

It’s very satisfying. Sometimes - or perhaps always, till you become a bodhisattva - it goes against the grain, the lizard grain of selfishness that is part of our genetic makeup. But if you expand the definition of selfishness beyond the material, to include the emotions that actions generate, being kind is a profoundly satisfying act, which typically makes you feel much, much happier. And the other good news is that - as with any other form of practice - it keeps becoming easier. The more you practice kindness, the more it becomes part of your patterned response.

There is something expansive about the act of kindness, and even if that is entirely due to the fact that it inflates my ego, it also helps whisper in my ear:

Dil chhota nahi karnaa

This just doesn’t sound the same in English - be big-hearted?

This thought goes beyond both charity and generosity. It reminds me that I must not allow my being to shrink in response to the smallness of others. It reminds me to be the best person I can be, at all times, not a reflection of each person I encounter, each with their own frailties, insecurities and alien value systems. I must take the best, not the worst, from every situation, and try to be myself, my best self.

Truth, above all else.

Honesty goes beyond not telling lies. It demands that I try to accurately represent the truest and deepest version of what I know. This dictum is especially demanding when bringing up children, for whom the message needs to be simple.

I learned two things as a parent, though:

- children are capable of a lot more nuance, at a much younger age, than you imagine:

- 'simplicity' should not become a convenient crutch for you to tell half-truths.

Don’t inflict injury

"Duh! That’s obvious", you could say.

But the younger me could be very callous and insensitive. A part of my journey, I hope, is learning to be more careful with the impact my way of walking the world has on others.

People can be vulnerable, and it is very convenient to ignore that vulnerability as you lurch through your own life. As you grow older, you often acquire more power, even if only in the narrow eco-system of an organisation, and hence the ability to inflict pain on others, often unknowingly. Don’t let that ‘unknowing’ become an alibi. Try to be aware of the impact you have on others.

Your children come first

My child was the only being I willed into the world.

Hence, my responsibility for his nurture was absolute, total.

I couldn't alter his genes, but I tried to understand his nature, give it all the room to grow, under an umbrella held high enough to shelter, but not stifle.

The two most important things I could give him, I gave in unstinting measure:Time, and Respect.

‘Respect’ is often confused with deference, something owed to people above you in the pile. I use it in the sense of deep observation of the unique individual that your child is, and the potential all humans hold, a light that you have the utmost responsibility to nurture.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

We can burn so much energy on really small things - why that cup has not been returned to the kitchen sink, why the curtains are not fully drawn, the kurta worn creased, the scratch on the car unattended.

The “search for perfection, is all very well, but to search for heaven is to live here in hell.” Gordon Sumner aka Sting.

Never lose sight of the really important stuff - find time to listen to music, to admire the sunset, to give gratitude for the many gifts brought to you by the tides of fortune.

Those tides have been eternally kind to me. Today, I write from a small farmhouse in the rolling hills of North Wales. In the late afternoon, we climbed a cliff softened by heather and gorse, to look down upon the blue waters of the Irish Sea, and then to walk back past wild ponies and grazing sheep.

Gratitude

Always. Especially today. Especially now.

Value friendship

Deeply.

Honour your friends with time, attention, respect, and when needed, help.

Motivational speakers have popularised the statement, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”, and though this is not strictly true, friendship goes to the very soul of being human - sharing, loving, appreciating.

And learning, about which I wrote*.

Don’t let your possessions own you.

Acquisition has become both a marker of success, and its inevitable by-product. I am no spartan, but I keep trying to cut back on ownership of 'things'.

It seems a strange battle to fight, and one almost seems doomed to lose. Meanwhile, I console myself by trying to alter my attitude towards possessions - by never paying obeisance to them. Try, I tell myself, to let objects pass through my life like the baubles they are, the ornaments, not the heart of being.

A verbal commitment must bind you like a contract

Nothing you say should be a jumla.

Don’t do it for the money

I adopted this maxim 23 years ago - that I would take on work if it appealed to me, without asking how much it would pay.

And the obverse - if something didn’t appeal, say ‘No’, without asking what it pays. This was extremely liberating, and allowed me to look at work with joy and anticipation, rather than as a means to an end.

This may not have worked when I was in my 20s; it may have led to penury before I built a home, so it is a special blessing to be able to live by this rule.

But I think there may be a deeper dynamic here - if you work at the things you enjoy, you will put more of yourself into them, you will gradually achieve that rare quality of authenticity.

You Can’t Own the Outcome

Only the doing.

The Gita taught us this, but most of us refuse to learn - modern life, especially corporate life, is all about results. Gandhi refined this thought, by committing to the means, and averring that the end never justifies the means. Modern political life is a complete inversion of this central Gandhian principle: power, attained by any means, is the central dharma of the politician. Its corollary is even more noxious: deprive the opposition of power, by any means possible.

In my personal, and professional, life, I must not allow myself to be contaminated by focusing on goals. The means mean everything.

Nevertheless, when you choose a path, commit to it. Commit to giving it your best, all of your attention, and experience.

Update for the 21st century: turn off your cellphone when you're in a meeting, or sharing life with friends.

Honour chance, or karma.

Some of my most meaningful experiences and relationships have come from random encounters - a lost stranger at a bar in Edinburgh, or a swimmer on a far shore in a Faridabad quarry. This could only happen because I created space in my life for the unexpected.

I recently read this, which I loved:

"Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly."

Know thyself…

Consideration is the best gift you can give any being - your child, your spouse, above all, yourself.

To give yourself what you really need, what will enrich you, you need to understand yourself.

Meditation helps. I used to practice meditation regularly, and though I'm no longer as clear about what it means, I do try to spend 15 minutes every morning in quiet mode, subduing the chattering monkey of the brain, trying to listen a little harder, deeper.

Awareness helps too. At its best, it is a form of living, ambulatory meditation. Awareness of intention, or lack of it; awareness of others, and above all, about the impact you have on others - do you make people comfortable, do you give them space to be heard, do you help them grow into new or changed circumstances?

Especially thy body

Shareer gyaanam, pratham gyaanam.

This machine is aging. I need to respect that, not by retiring to a couch, but by coaxing it into movement and training, by living with its limitations, but not without trying - deeply striving - to keep nudging those limits.

Last October, I fell off my cycle, and severely damaged the ligaments around my left shoulder. It took two months before my sports doctor allowed me to swim, just in time for our winter time in Goa. Not more than half an hour at a time - he warned me. All of December, I struggled to regain my swimming form. More than once, my shoulder refused to cooperate, and I exited the ocean, frustrated. These were the same waters in which Mohit Oberoi and I had swum a triumphant five kilometers in January. Same year, different body.

“Will I ever be able to swim five kilometers again?”

I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now. What matters is that I still enjoy every swim. That I still work at repairing my shoulder. Do what I can today, and as I long as I listen to my body, it will tell me how much I can do.

Never stop learning

Luckily I was born in 1956, the Year of the Monkey, so I am insatiably curious. Still, as you get older, it is easy to become content in what you know. I am sometimes able to recognise when my boredom* runs really deep, into the very heart of the work I do, or the life I lead, and - so far - I have been able to make radical shifts every eight to ten years. This shift into the unfamiliar also forces me to

Retain a sense of humility

And not assume that age, money, or position should automatically bring privilege.

Don’t try to be someone else,

Because each of us is unique. I try to speak to my own strengths, address the ways in which I would like to improve myself. Too much focus on the lives of others leads to

Envy

Sheer poison, which also demeans your sense of self.

Too often, that sense of envy is directed at one tiny facet of another person's life, maybe a very superficial aspect of their being - a possession, a title.

You can turn envy into a motive force, say to own a private jet, or to throw a javelin as far as Neeraj Chopra. But first, dig deep to ensure that goal means enough for you to dedicate years, or decades, of your life to getting what someone else has.

Every man is worth the consideration you give him

I inherited this maxim from my Nanaji, my mother’s father, whom I never met. This is one of the most difficult prescriptions by which to live, especially in a society as stratified as ours. But when I try to reach out, and gather a glimmer of another’s life, the experience is always rewarding, often surprising. I dealt with one aspect of this in a piece of significance*.

A couple of days ago, listening to a concert in Hyde Park, I saw this maxim from a new perspective - music can be the background to an occasion, or a meal in a restaurant, something to which you pay scant attention; it can be something for which you make space, for which you shut down all other stimuli to listen well; but, best of all, you can let it into your soul, animate your voice, move your entire being.

Listen to people. Best of all, dance with them.

1. I first wrote about crafting a dharma here: https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/21-charity-and-cagr-crafting-a-dharma

2. Learning from friends: https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/-23-demolition-derby-learn-with-friends

3. Significance