Own Your Dharma

Your Own Commandments

“Read the Manusmriti”, a minor girl was told last week by a judge of the Gujarat High Court, in response to her father’s plea to allow her to abort a foetus, conceived of a rape. Girls, he observed, used to get married at 14, and have children at 17. Since this was only an observation, and not part of a judgement, it was entirely gratuitous, elided the fact that she was a victim of rape, and ignored the law that sets the minimum age of marriage at 18.

The honourable judge reminded me of my reading of three significant Indian texts on dharma, which had opened a “window into patriarchalism, hierarchy, cant, and ritualism.” 

In my attempt to craft a personal dharma, a guide to ethical self-conduct, I would not find any guide-posts here, I wrote*. Instead, I turned to my life’s experience, to enunciate “the precepts that have become part of my life, by osmosis, observation, or self-observation.”

In re-reading my formulation this weekend, I was able to add some texture and nuance, expand on some thoughts, but most significantly, to examine myself by what I profess. Of course I fall short, but this was a useful exercise in re-dedication to what I hold true, namely:

Truth, above all else. 

Honesty goes beyond not telling lies. It demands that I try to accurately represent the truest and deepest version of what I know. This dictum is especially demanding when bringing up children, for whom the message needs to be simple.

I learned two things as a parent, though:

 - children are capable of a lot more nuance, at a much younger age, than you imagine:

- 'simplicity' should not become a convenient crutch for you to tell half-truths.

Don’t inflict injury

"Duh! That’s obvious", you could say.

But the younger me could be very callous and insensitive. A part of my journey, I hope, is learning to be more careful with the impact my way of walking the world has on others.

People can be vulnerable, and it is very convenient to ignore that vulnerability as you lurch through your own life.

Your children come first

My child was the only being I willed into the world. 

Hence, my responsibility for his nurture was absolute, total. 

I couldn't alter his genes, but I tried to understand his nature, give it all the room to grow, under an umbrella held high enough to shelter but not stifle.

Dil chhota nahi karnaa

This just doesn’t sound the same in English - be big-hearted? 

It goes beyond both charity and generosity. Don’t let your being shrink in response to the smallness of others. Take the best, not the worst, from every situation.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

We can burn so much energy on really small things - why that cup has not been returned to the kitchen sink, why the curtains are not fully drawn, the kurta worn creased, the scratch on the car unattended. 

The “search for perfection, is all very well, but to search for heaven is to live here in hell.” Gordon Sumner aka Sting.

Never lose sight of the really important stuff - find time to listen to music, or admire the sunset, to give gratitude for the many gifts brought to you by the tides of fortune.

Gratitude

Always 

Value friendship

Deeply.

Honour your friends with time, attention, respect, and when needed, help. 

Motivational speakers have popularised the statement, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”, and though this is not strictly true, friendship goes to the very soul of being human - sharing, loving, appreciating.

And learning, about which I wrote**.

Don’t let your possessions own you

Physical clutter is one of the by-products of material progress, and I am continually trying to cut back on ownership of 'things'.

Success on this front is always partial, but I think the real battle is in the attitude towards possessions - never pay obeisance to them.

Let objects pass through your life like the baubles they are, the ornaments, not the heart of being.

A verbal commitment must bind you like a contract

Nothing you say should be a jumla.

Don’t do it for the money

I adopted this maxim 20 years ago - that I would take on work if it appealed to me, without asking how much it would pay. 

And the obverse - if something didn’t appeal, say ‘No’, without asking what it pays. This was extremely liberating, and allowed me to look at work with joy and anticipation, rather than as a means to an end. 

This may not have worked when I was in my 20s; it may have led to penury before I built a home, so it is a special blessing to be able to live by this rule.

But I think there may be a deeper dynamic here - if you work at the things you enjoy, you will put more of yourself into them, you will gradually achieve that rare quality of authenticity.

You Can’t Own the Outcome

Only the doing. 

When you do, commit.

Commit to giving your best, all of your attention, and experience. 

Update for the 21st century: turn off your cellphone when you're in a meeting.

Honour chance, or karma

Some of my most meaningful experiences and relationships have come from random encounters - a lost stranger at a bar in Edinburgh (NL # 13 ), or a swimmer on a far shore in a Faridabad quarry. This could only happen because I created space in my life for the unexpected.

I recently read this, which I loved:

"Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly."

Know thyself

Consideration is the best gift you can give any being - your child, your spouse, above all, yourself. 

To give yourself what you really need, what will enrich you, you need to understand yourself.

Meditation helps. I used to practice meditation regularly, and though I'm no longer as clear about what it means,  I do try to spend 15 minutes every morning in quiet mode, subduing the chattering monkey of the brain, trying to listen a little harder, deeper.. 

Especially thy body 

Shareer gyaanam, pratham gyaanam. 

This machine is aging. I need to respect that, not by retiring to a couch, but by coaxing it into movement and training, by living with its limitations, but not without trying - deeply striving - to keep nudging those limits

Never stop learning

Luckily I was born in 1956, the Year of the Monkey, so I am insatiably curious. Still, as you get older, it is easy to become content in what you know. I am sometimes able to recognise when my boredom** runs really deep, into the very heart of the work I do, or the life I lead, and - so far - I have been able to make radical shifts every eight to ten years. This shift into the unfamiliar also forces me to 

Retain a sense of humility

And not assume that age, money, or position should automatically bring privilege. You are what you bring to the table.

Don’t try to be someone else

Because each of us is unique. I try to speak to my own strengths, address the ways in which I would like to improve myself. Too much focus on the lives of others leads to

Envy

Sheer poison, which also demeans your sense of self. 

Too often, that sense of envy is directed at one tiny facet of another person's life, maybe a very superficial aspect of their being - a possession, a title.

You can turn envy into a motive force, say to drive a Mercedes one day, or to throw a javelin as far as Neeraj Chopra - but first dig deep to ensure it really means enough for you to dedicate years, or decades, of your life to getting what someone else has.

Every man is worth the consideration you give him

I inherited this maxim from my Nanaji, my mother’s father, whom I never met. This is one of the most difficult prescriptions by which to live, especially in a society as stratified as ours. But when I try to reach out, and gather a glimmer of another’s life, the experience is always rewarding, often surprising. I dealt with one aspect of this here: 

https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/striving-for-significance

*I wrote about crafting a dharma here:

https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/21-charity-and-cagr-crafting-a-dharma

** https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/-23-demolition-derby-learn-with-friends

***I wrote about boredom here:

https://mohitsatyanand.substack.com/p/battling-boredom